Personalization, Belonging, and the Children Who Inspire Our Mission

Erin and I stepped into the world of foster care with the expressed intent of adopting children. We quickly learned that our approach had to be modified for many reasons. First, the primary goal of foster care is to help families reunite. That meant putting aside our own goals and ambitions to meet the needs of the children. Second, we had to provide a safe and loving home for children who had experienced the trauma of being separated from their birth families. While it’s easy to say that in many cases the children were better off in a new setting, no one can deny the tragedy of a family divided and the emotional toll it takes on a child to be pulled away from the only mother and father they’ve ever known. Fostering is not for the faint of heart, but it has been the most rewarding experience Erin and I have ever had.

Phillip and Carl were not our first foster placement. We cut our teeth on the foster care system when we received two toddlers within the first four hours of receiving our foster care license. While neither of those beautiful babies was destined to become our adopted child, thirteen years later we still hold them in our hearts. Phillip and Carl, however, were well on their way to being adoptable by the time they came to us in 2013. Phillip was seven and Carl had just turned five, yet Phillip wore a size 4T and Carl wore a size 3T. We later understood that they had experienced a well-known phenomenon called “failure to thrive,” a condition that stunts both emotional and physical growth.

The boys had experienced extreme neglect and abuse. They had two other brothers, both of whom had been in foster care since infancy, but Phillip and Carl bore the brunt of the memories from their early years. To make matters worse, they had been fostered by a woman who fostered primarily for the extra income. Her philosophy, although legal, was to accept donations from charitable organizations to clothe the kids and provide the basics while using the foster care stipend to pay her bills. The result: for the entirety of their lives, none of the boys had ever been given anything new—anything that truly belonged to them. Even when they were first born, the local church provided used clothing to the family. They never received Christmas gifts or had a birthday party. I call it the “Three Hots and a Cot” approach to foster care: technically legal, but morally reprehensible.

The first weekend we had Phillip and Carl, we took them to the local outlet mall and bought them all new clothes. Even though we let them pick out much of what we purchased, they weren’t impressed. It’s hard to get a five- and seven-year-old excited about clothes. Plus, they were still in shell shock from switching homes. We were working hard to help them settle in and establish a loving home where they felt safe.

The next day, we drove to Durham to visit Pottery Barn Kids and let the boys pick out backpacks (it was April, so school supplies weren’t in season). Carl picked a Batman backpack while Phillip picked the blue camouflage. We had their names embroidered on the front in big, bold letters. I had never seen two boys’ eyes light up the way they did when they saw their names. For the first time in their lives, they realized they had something of their own that nobody could ever take away. The backpacks said “Phillip” and “Carl.” They belonged to those boys and became a part of their identity until the bags finally fell apart a few years later. For the first 48 hours, they refused to take them off, even sleeping with them on. Until that moment, I had never fully realized how important it is for children to find a sense of safety, security, and belonging. Those backpacks taught us a valuable lesson in how something as simple as personalization can empower children to feel valued and cared for.

Not long thereafter, I bought Erin her first single-needle embroidery machine. Autumn was born in August of that year (she had a different birth family, and we received her straight from the pumpkin patch), and Jonathan came to us in May of 2014. Erin created so many beautifully embroidered items for the kids. Each piece reflected the children’s personalities and gave them a sense of ownership they had never known before becoming part of our forever family.

Phillip was the hardest nut to crack. He carried the most vivid memories of abuse and neglect from his birth family and his previous foster mother. He was bitter and angry at the world and trusted no one. We gave him time to adjust and didn’t push too hard. Getting new clothes, toys, and a backpack with his name on it was one thing—but letting down his guard and allowing himself to enjoy being a kid was another.

After the boys had been with us for a little over a month, I was washing my hands at the bathroom sink when I saw Phillip out of the corner of my eye. He had a Darth Vader helmet on and was carrying two lightsabers. I said, “What’s up, Baby Vader?” Phillip tilted his head slightly and then started whacking me with the lightsabers while laughing his fool head off. I dried my hands quickly and swooped him up in my arms while he yelled, “Wait! I’m too young to die!” We both laughed until our sides hurt, and then he said, for the first time ever, “I love you, Daddy.”

The smile on my face must have been a mile wide. I asked him, “Well, that was a nice surprise! What made you finally decide to call me Daddy?”

“You are the only adult I ever knew who didn’t hurt me.”

Let that sink in. Too often, people assume that kids in foster care are broken, difficult, or beyond help. The reality is that all children seek loving, caring, and safe adults so they can focus on simply growing up. Phillip, for the first time ever, realized he could stop worrying about his safety and start enjoying life—he could finally just be a kid.

Even though our children are almost grown, we remain committed to making the world a better place for kids in foster care. We started Pisgah Needleworks in part to ensure our son Carl, who has autism and an intellectual disability, would have a way to secure meaningful employment and be the best version of himself. But our mission is also to support foster children in our community. As our business grows, you’ll hear more from us in the coming months as we collect donations of new and unused items for local foster children. We will coordinate with local social services agencies to provide personalized gifts so these kids can feel the same sense of pride our boys experienced—knowing that their gift was not only new, but created especially for them. We’ll ask our community to join us in this mission to serve children who need our love, care, and attention.

When you purchase from Pisgah Needleworks, you’re helping us serve our community and build a future for our children. We appreciate the support we’ve received so far, and we can’t wait to show the Yadkin Valley the difference a personalized gift can make in the life of a child.

To see our family today, check our our latest Youtube video featuring our entire family as we begin to create our store on Main Street in Elkin, NC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rYOARfP6uM

You don’t have to wait until September 27 to connect with us. Visit www.pisgahneedleworks.com today to shop our needlework kits and take a sneak peek at the personalized gifts we’ll be offering after our grand opening.